I’ve listened to Purple Rain by Prince about a hundred times in the last two months. It’s my comfort song when I’m feeling lonely or down, it has been since I first got it on vinyl when I was fourteen. I would set the record up, turn the volume on high, and lay in my bed listening to it in the dark. It’s amazing how a comfort song from so many years ago can still have the same ability to calm me after all this time. When in doubt, Purple Rain. It’s playing right now, the face of Prince starring at me from the tv screen.
I’ve been in a lot of doubt recently. Each time my life seems to be set straight, when my path clears and I know where I’m going next, it flips upside down again. I never seem to get a moment of steady; life is a constant motion sickness, and my nervous system is exhausted from all the change. In February, I reached my end; the end of what I felt I could give of myself. I was ready to end it, again, and I wanted nothing more than to finally stop the pain I constantly feel and seem to cause others. But, it didn’t happen, and I’m still here; which means there is still a reason for it all. After that night, I booked in an immediate psychiatrist appointment, and was instructed to take a week off of work for mental rest. What I learned in that week was more than how to cope with the constant pain, and the expectations I can never seem to meet; I learned that I’ll never be the person I want to be, if I don’t clearly research and define it. How can you become someone, if you do not know who that someone is? I can’t shape my life on an abstract.
One night in that week, I became overwhelmed with my loneliness, with my pain, and I was tempted to cease the pain in the only way that seemed possible. I sat in my home, the darkness surrounding me, and I knew that I had to make a choice. I could continue following the abstract, and feeling like a failure when I don’t measure up, when life flips upside down, or when I disappoint someone. Or, I could get on my knees, write every Bible verse I have memorized, come to the end of myself, and surrender what I don’t understand to the only One Who can. So, that’s what I did, and I think it’s because of what I learned that night, that I could face the bigger challenge that was to come.
Three weeks ago, I discovered that I would no longer be able to stay and continue my life in Australia. I’d already considered if staying would be the best choice for me, because the fact is, I have been so lonely here. I’ve had once in a lifetime experiences, the decision to move here is one I’ll always believe was the best for me, but I’ve also experienced some of the loneliest and lowest points of my life. No matter what, when I leave this place, I will be a completely different person than I was when I arrived; I am a better person. I have built a life on the other side of the world, met amazing people, climbed mountains, snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef, ran distances I never dreamed of, and had a job that fulfills me. I’ve been pushed to the point of breaking, and I’ve survived. I’m heartbroken to leave, but somehow, I know this is the right step for me. It’s time to leave and see what is next, to see where I’ll go, and what I get to experience next.
The bright side is that, when life flips upside down, you have the opportunity to see things from a whole different perspective. I could choose to be angry about what I can’t control, or I could choose to trust that the One Who knows all has I plan that I can’t foresee, but can know to trust. I can see the loneliness, the hardest days, and the lowest points as learning experiences, proof that I’ve been made stronger than I ever thought I could be. I’ll always love Tasmania, it’s forever branded on my soul, but honestly, I’m so excited for where I’ll go next. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can’t wait.
Yours Truly,
the Brightside Blonde
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