Have you ever free climbed up the side of a mountain, on your hands and knees, with almost no crevices to place your feet, and nothing to stop you from sliding off if you lose your footing? I have, it’s horrifying, and last year, it was the hardest thing I’d physically ever done. When I visited Tasmania last April and Kane told me we’d hike Mt. Amos, I figured it wouldn’t be that bad. Oh, OH, how wrong I was. There were points on that climb up where I froze with fear, because I honestly didn’t believe that there was another safe step for me to take. When we finally reached the top, and I looked over the horizon, I felt a satisfaction I’ve rarely felt in my life. There was this impossible, dangerous, scary mountain (that honestly shouldn’t be a trail), and not only had I climbed it, I’d climbed it quicker than the website said I would. Yes, Kane had to convince me to keep going, yes we had to stop for breaks, and yes the way down was still incredibly scary, but I did it. I conquered the mountain. This past Sunday, Jack and I went back to the same mountain, started the same trail, and crawled up the same rocks. You know what? It wasn’t as scary as it had been before. Not only was I confident Jack would catch me if I fell, but I was confident in myself and my ability to make it up the mountain.
Sometimes I look at tasks before me, and I’m paralyzed with fear. Literally, I just won’t move, as stated before, I’ll put it off until I have no other choice but to do it. That was me the first time I ran six miles. I was really scared, doing it felt awful, and afterwards I thought it was the most physically difficult thing I’d ever done. Then, I did it again, and it wasn’t necessarily easier, but I knew that I’d done it before, which meant I had it in me to do again. The more we do something, the more confident we are in our abilities; practice really does make perfect. That’s why, before I run the Sydney Marathon in August, I’ll run two half-marathon races. Because I want to prove to myself that I can run a race, I can complete something I start, and I can do it well. Of course, that’s half the distance of the big race, but you get the point. This year is all about being less scared, more confident, and believing I can reach my goals. Part of that involves taking a chance on things that seem impossible.
I really didn’t think I’d get in to the marathon, it was a lottery system, and I was convinced my name wouldn’t be pulled. I was wrong, and now I have to follow through with what I took a chance on. My therapist told me yesterday that my life is the epitome of the saying, “Mess around and find out”, because I have just started taking chances on things, and suddenly have to deal with the consequences of them working out. Another example, my extreme low-balling of an offer to a guy on marketplace for a ladder, which he accepted, then I had to try and fit in my SUV. Mess around, find out. Or, how I was spending time looking up doctorate degrees, sent an email to the lab director showing interest, and not only received an enthusiastic email back, but also got a meeting with her scheduled. Mess around with your dreams and goals, wish on a shooting star in the dark, and find out.
I’ve called a lot of things “the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life”, like leaving Micah, moving across the world, writing a novel, graduating university, and climbing Mt. Amos, but after I’ve finished each one and looked back, I’ve realized I’m a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. Running a half marathon is going to be the physically hardest thing I’ve done in my life, but when it’s over, I’ll walk (or limp) away with the confidence that I can do anything I set my mind to. Working on a thesis, if I actually get to do this whole PhD thing, will be hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but when it’s over, I’ll walk away with the confidence that I can help others like me believe in themselves and accomplish their goals. The bright side is that the sky isn’t even the limit, there is no limit; the only real limit is the one we set for ourselves. I’m going to work a little harder to do “the impossible” things some more, so that when I face a similar challenge, it’ll feel like hiking Mt. Amos again. It’ll be challenging, it’ll be scary, I’ll need to ask to for help, but I’ll have the utmost confidence that I can do it, because I am strong, and I am capable. The really cool thing is, we all are, we just have it believe it.
Yours Truly,
the Bright Side Blonde