The End of Me

Nothing about my being here has been what I expected or planned it to be. I thought that I would be venturing out everyday to hike, walking on beaches, laughing with my friend; I didn’t think I would spend most of my time sleeping in until eleven and hating stepping outside into the cold. None of this negates the joy I’ve had with the friends I’ve made, or my appreciation for the beauty of nature I’ve seen. My time here and experience has been a privilege, however, it’s also okay to admit that it hasn’t been what I wanted it to be. I realized earlier this week that sometimes, what we want isn’t what we need. Maybe what I needed was time alone with myself; to be sad, to think. Maybe I needed time to sleep and rest, since I haven’t really done that my entire adult life. I came to Tasmania hoping for the answers to my questions, but I don’t like the response that I got. What am I supposed to do when the answer isn’t the one I wanted, but the one I needed? I’ll tell you what I did, I got even more sad than I’d been before, I felt even lonelier than I had before, and I felt that much more confused. Despite my life’s circumstances, I’ve always tried my best to plan out what I want for my life, and to make it happen. But things never, ever, go according to plan. They didn’t in the past, they didn’t here, and I’m terrified of trying so hard to do my best, and having a future that still doesn’t work out.

For those who don’t know, I’m not staying in Tasmania. In ten days, I’m getting on a plane and flying to Canberra, where I know no one. I mean, I’ve met the family I’ll be working for online, but I don’t actually know them. Here, I knew Kane, who introduced me to everyone else. There, I’ll be alone again, and I am terrified. I’m so scared of arriving and not meshing with the family, of not making friends, or of hating the city. My fear has gripped me to the point where I haven’t bought my plane ticket, which is bad, because it’ll only get more expensive the closer I get. All these things and more weighed on me this week, but especially today. It felt like a weight pressing me into the ground, a constant murmur of questions. I was overwhelmed by everything that I cannot control. I got in my car and, instead of putting on music, I started listening to a sermon by one of my favorite pastors. The message? How God can work in our loneliness.

When I got to Hollybank Forest, I chose a trail, and I began walking. The fresh air felt nice, and all I wanted was for nature to miraculously cleanse me and make me feel better. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why what I want isn’t always what I need, I wanted to know what the next steps in my life were: what second job I should get, if I should stay longer than a year, how to not be angry, how to move on, how to feel, how to process, how to be a good friend, to be thankful, to smile, how to talk to others, how to forgive myself, how to not be a failure. All of this clouded my mind as I heard the rush of water and quickly changed my trail, desperate to be wherever the water was. Finally, I came upon two streams rushing together into one. It was gorgeous. That’s the awful thing about photos and videos, they can’t do the beauty of nature justice. There was a rock perched over the river, so I climbed up it, crossed my legs, and I cried. I sat there, surrounded by the sounds of rushing water, and I came to the end of me.

I try to solve problems on my own, I try to be independent. Partially it’s because I don’t want to inconvenience others, but a large part of it is pride. I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong, it makes me feel weak, but today there was nothing else I could do. On the rock, I poured my heart out to God, and I accepted that I needed Him. I’ve done this a few times, really laid my heart down and surrendered, but it’s been so long. No matter the circumstances of why I got divorced, I still struggle with feeling like a disappointment to God. Even though I know that He loves me and wants me to go to Him, I find it incredibly difficult. But we never come to God on our own, He draws us, and today when I finally knelt before Him, He was right there to hold me. The loneliness I’ve felt for longer than I can admit faded, not entirely away, but it wasn’t an overwhelming burden.

The bright side is that, when we come to the end of ourselves and the end of our abilities, God is there. No person who has everything together sees a reason for God, it is in our brokenness that we realize how hopeless we are without Him. On that rock, when I asked God for help, He answered. “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:33-34.) I don’t know how I’m going to move on from these answers, I don’t know what life in Canberra will be like, or what decision I should make for next year. Here’s what I do know: I can focus on God, trust in Him, and everything will work out the way it is supposed to. In life, we’re disappointed when we don’t get what we want, but sometimes those disappointments can bring us to the end of ourselves, which is exactly what we need.

Yours Truly,

the Brightside Blonde

Tuesday was a big day. I had a facial and massage at a discount, then got a coffee. An American medium is considered a jumbo size here, oof.

Emeline and I met up after my coffee and drove to Derby Sauna. We were cooking in there, but the water was FREEZING. We ended the night with pizza at Du Cane’s.

Funny enough, the trail I chose was called Walk of Change which felt symbolic and transformative. (Unpictured is Wednesday night dinner and cards with the girls.)