For the last three years, I’ve thought that breaking the cycle meant leaving. The cycle of generational trauma, accepting abusive behaviors, and making myself small to extend space for others. I held firm to the quote, “We break the cycle before the cycle breaks us.” It’s been my lifeline on the darkest of days, when I wondered if leaving it all behind – my marriage, my future plans, my friends, my hometown – was worth it. But the thing is, no matter how strongly I believed in breaking the cycle, the cycle seemed to continue, and I couldn’t figure out why. I’d thought that breaking the cycle came in the singular act of leaving, but it turns out leaving was only the first step, and the breaking is every choice that comes after.
I’m the kind of person who wants something to happen instantaneously. I want to run a marathon, I should be able to do it now. I want to write a book, the idea should jump from my head instantly to the page. I don’t like the process, the waiting, the unknowns; but it’s in this in-between that the changes and growth come. You cannot expect a garden to grow beautifully if all you’ve done is scattered seeds, you must tend the soil, water it, sing to it; only then can it have all it needs to grow into something beautiful. I’ve treated my cycle breaking a lot like throwing seeds. I thought the one act was it, I’d be magically cured, but I was wrong, and for the last 1,065 days, I’ve wondered why my life hasn’t magically shifted.
Firstly, there’s more to it than simply saying, “I will no longer tolerate being treated like xyz”, you need to actually label what the cycle looks like, and dare I say, your own responsibility in it. I was taught to make myself small so others had more space to be, I was taught to lie because truth put me in pain, and I learned that blaming someone else, yelling at them, and not giving them the chance to be understood was normal. I’ve carried this in the way I’ve been with many people, and it’s due to my childhood trauma. But I realized that, by continuing those learned habits, I’m refusing to let the cycle be broken. I risk continuing it, because I’m not willing to accept my own faults, learned or not, and move on.
Secondly, I’ve come to realize that nothing changes if nothing changes. I can say I want to be something, but if I never put the effort in to shape my life around that idea, it will never come true. If I never change, my life will never change, and the cycle will repeat. I have a horrible problem of attaching myself to people, placing my worth in the way they see me and treat me. It’s an easy thing to do when it’s what you were taught was normal. But, we aren’t kids anymore, and we can grow out of learned habits if we really put our mind to it. A wonderful way I’ve began to change recently is, instead of wallowing in my sadness and pain, I’ve started going on walks or runs when I need to be frustrated. Afterwards, I feel calmer, and more ready to approach a tough situation with grace.
Finally, I think the biggest step in breaking a cycle, is realizing it will always be a daily battle. In my effort to want immediacy, I can forget that life is more than today, tomorrow, and next week. Problems aren’t solved instantly, and that is okay. I don’t have to chronically overthink, because anxiety will get me no where. I’ve been reciting 1 Peter 5:7 to myself a lot recently, “Casting all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.” When I remember that it’s not in Gods plan for me to worry, I find that I have a peace wash over me that wasn’t there before.
The bright side is that, even though I’ve spent three years wondering why the cycle wasn’t broken, it’s not too late to start. The seed is still planted, it just needs tending. So, I have picked up my metaphorical tools, put my knees in the dirt, and began the work. Cycle breaking right now looks like apologizing for what I’ve done wrong to who I’ve hurt, treating others with compassion and understanding, walking first and texting later. It looks like reading again, writing short stories, heated Pilates, and going to my favorite coffee shop, ordering a honeycomb latte, and completing another word search. It also includes honesty with my friends, opening up to them, and realizing it’s okay to admit I’m hurting. Here’s to all us cycle breakers, picking up our shovels daily, and tending to our growing gardens.
Yours Truly,
The Brightside Blonde