One week ago, I sat on a rock by a river, and I poured out my soul. I laid down everything, I came to the end of me, and I surrendered. Last week, I was faced with a reality I didn’t want, but one I needed. Last week, I was terrified of moving, of the future, of being a failure, and becoming someone I don’t want to be. Last week, I rediscovered the contentment that can only be found in surrender. I was raised being taught that life gets better when you lay it down, I’ve learned the lesson time and again, but for some reason, I always forget. I had a therapy appointment Tuesday night of this week, which was actually Tuesday morning NC time. I wanted to tell my therapist how, after I laid everything down at the legendary Walk of Change, things got better. I had tears in my eyes as I told her, “It feels like a part of me that got lost a long time ago is finally back.” She told me that this wasn’t just a sudden occurrence, but instead, it was all the micro-shifts that finally tilted the scale. Well, the scale certainly got tilted, I certainly was changed, and here’s what happened after.
I became content. Friday, I bought my ticket to Canberra, then I hosted some friends for cards and karaoke. Saturday, I signed up for a beach volleyball league and made a list of everything that I wanted to do in Canberra. I researched hikes, yoga studios, and run clubs. I became so excited for my life in Canberra. And you know what? Any time one of the things that had upset me came into my mind, I just remembered that it wasn’t my concern for the day. I made the decision to focus my efforts on what I could and couldn’t control in my day, what I should and shouldn’t focus on. I’m a planner, I enjoy schedules and knowing what the future will bring. When I picture life, I think of everything I have in the day, the week, the month; my brain is a well-mapped planner. In many ways, this is wonderful, but in others, it’s awful. Because life never goes according to plan. Even if you follow all the steps you have, others have their own choices, unexpected situations arise, and even the best of plans go off track. I stress myself out because I worry too much about what’s far away; I lose sight of what’s in front of me. I live in the what-ifs of the future, and I miss the gifts of the present. From now on, I want to do my best to take life, as much as reasonably possible, one day at a time.
It’s amazing how, once you accept something and let go of the idea of having it, that then you somehow get it. I wanted to live in Launceston so bad. I wanted to stay with my friends here, experience the summer here, to grow into who I am here, but I accepted that it wasn’t going to happen, and I had peace in that acceptance. Here’s where things change, here’s where my life right now is a complete change from where it was a week ago. On Monday, I was messaged about a job opportunity here in town. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t seek it, and I didn’t expect it. I mean, I’d finally bought my ticket, I was supposed to be flying to Canberra a week from then. There was no way I could actually consider it, but I couldn’t deny the part of me that wondered if I actually could take it. Instead of worrying about the consequences of not moving, or how I might feel if I didn’t take this job, I got on my knees and I focused on what I could control in the day. I quieted my soul and I asked for guidance. I asked which place was right for me to grow more as a person, but suddenly, I realized that wasn’t the question I should be asking; that was not the lense with which I should view this decision. Instead, I asked, “Where could I grow more in God?”
Tuesday, I went to Cradle Mountain with an au pair from Germany. That’s the really cool thing about living abroad, it’s meeting other people who are living abroad. We may not have been from the same country, but we both understood the culture shifts and the loneliness. Sometimes, there can be such a comfort in knowing you’re not alone in feeling lonely. We also bonded over getting our faces pelted by freezing rain and having such numb fingers, we struggled to take photos with the wombats. That night, I brought this whole situation up with my therapist, and she told me that I would need to be willing for people to be disappointed if I make the right decision for myself. That’s not easy. As Taylor Swift says, I’m a pathological people pleaser. Quite literally, I have bled to make others happy. I hate hurting and disappointing people, so I will make choices that inconvenience me if they’ll make others happy. But the thing is, I can do all this, I can do everything to avoid hurting or disappointing someone, and someone can still get hurt or disappointed. It’s an undeniable fact about life. If I chose to stay in Launceston, I would be putting the au pair family waiting on me in a terrible position, and I didn’t want to do that. But, could I live with myself if I moved to make them happy, even if I didn’t think it was the best decision for me?
Wednesday I knew I would have my answer. I spent all morning with Kane’s mom and his nephews. Talking with her, watching her play with her grandsons, hearing about her love for God; she reminded me of the kind of person I want to be. Gentle, kind, selfless, caring, absolutely stunning; she’s the kind of person anyone would be honored to know. I realized that there are people here for me to learn from, people who want to invest in me, people who care about me. Afterwards, I met the woman who I would be a support worker for. This was it, really, the ultimate test. If we didn’t get along, then this wasn’t meant for me, and I would accept that this dream and future wasn’t meant for me, and there would be better. But we did get along, she’s absolutely lovely, and I can already tell that whatever I’ll do for her as a support worker will pale in comparison to how she will help me. Abby, my dear friend, works for her and arranged all this. We talked for two hours in the car together afterwards, and if there’s one thing I wanted to stay for the most, it was to be her friend. Before walking out with Abby, I accepted the job. I start next Monday.
The bright side is that contentment with your life can only come when you surrender the idea of what it should be. If I held onto what my life should be right now, I’d be a very bitter person. I should be married, I should have a child, I should be a teacher living in my small town, but I’m not. That was the life I wanted, but it didn’t work out, and I could be angry about that, or I could trust that God has something better. If you would have told me last Thursday that I would accept a job offer in Launceston, that I would be searching for an apartment, and needing to buy a car, I would have said you were crazy. I would have wondered why all this happened when it did, what any of it meant, and what the future is going to hold. But I have such a peace right now that, as long as I keep my focus on what the day brings, it’s going to work out okay. This doesn’t mean every area of my life is going great. I’ve got friend drama, there’s family issues, there’s miscommunications, but in all of that, there is a chance to grow. I have no idea what life is going to look like tomorrow, or Saturday when I need to leave the house I’m in and the car I’m driving, but I have an undeniable peace that it’s all going to work out. I have no idea how, but it’s going to, it always does.
Yours Truly,
the Bright Side Blonde
Riding the bus at Cradle Mountain and seeing the sights, even though we were freezing and being rained on, reminded me of how much I love Tassie. There’s so much beauty here, I mean look at these wombats!!