Sometimes, I cannot help but think life would be easier if things weren’t so difficult. If everything just went the way I planned. If it weren’t so hot on a long run, if there wasn’t traffic on the way to work, and if I didn’t need to be on hold for fifteen minutes. Life would be easier if things just went our way, wouldn’t it? But it begs the question, would life actually be better if we always got what we wanted, or things went the way we planned? I don’t think it would be, I think there’s a lot of character building in life going off track, in it being more than off track; I think there’s insane character building when the train of life gets completely derailed thirty feet off the track, throwing all cargo with it, in the middle of a blizzard. I think that’s when we dive deep, when we get put to the test to learn who we are, and Who we really trust.
I had a difficult past week. I was supposed to start my farm work for my visa soon, but that hasn’t happened yet. I cut ties with someone I love, and even though I felt peace, I also felt broken. There were tough conversations, long nights, arguments, bad news, worse news, and too many tears. I feel a bit like a broken glass that’s being held together by glue that hasn’t yet dried; every second I stay together is borrowed time. On Thursday, to combat my sorrow, I went to the Salvation Army by my work. I swear, it seems to be a gold mine for all the books I desire in my heart to have. Today, I was looking for a daily devotional by one of the greats, perhaps Charles Spurgeon, if I could spot it. When my eyes read ‘My Utmost For His Highest’ by Oswald Chambers, I audibly gasped, as I do every time I stand in that hallowed thrift shop hall. This was better than I could’ve dreamed. I snatched it, and six other tomes, as quickly as I could. When I opened the book the next day and turned to February sixth, I read it, and I was awed.
“Prepare to be offered,” it said. “Tell God you are ready to be offered; then let the consequences be what they may, there is no strand of complaint now, no matter what God chooses.” For so long, I’ve desired to be who I once was, to have a relationship I once had with God, but that is so foolish. I can’t go back in time to try and reclaim a version of me that once existed, no matter how wonderful it was, because I am not the same person I was then. I cannot morph back into my old self to become who I want to be, because she isn’t who I was destined to be. Instead, I can lay who I am, who I want to be, and every part of my life down, and offer it to be refined in the fire of God’s own choosing. What these words reminded me of is that, if I offer my life to Him, He holds it all in His hands; what do I have to fear? In the face of my choices, and of the circumstances I couldn’t control, I found comfort in this reminder. Then the next day, Saturday, another gentle reminder, “If we will do the duty that lies nearest, we shall see Him. One of the most amazing revelations of God comes when we learn that it is in the commonplace things that the Deity of Jesus Christ is realized.”
I kept these reminders in my heart, to sacrifice my will to God, and to remember that prayers aren’t answered in a day; that I can look for Jesus in the small moments of everyday life. So I tried to do it, and I kinda failed miserably at first. I was the worst possible friend I could’ve been, not because I was trying to be, but because I let my fear, anxiety, and pain rule every part of me, to the point where I wasn’t gracious to others. Then I was forgiven, I cried, and I apologized, in that order. I had a quiet moment to myself before calling my mom to tell her how drastically my life had changed in the last seventy-two hours, and to break the news that I didn’t think I’d be able to come back to America in June like I had planned. I think it’s that fact that broke me, the not visiting home. Through every difficult day and hour, I’ve pictured visiting home in June, and I’ve pushed through. But now, with home becoming an intangible dream, I’d finally lost my ability to keep my emotions in.
Somehow, on that call with my mom, I remembered what I’d read a few days before: present your life as an offering, accept what is allowed, and see the beauty of Christ in the everyday. So, I tried to look on the bright side, and when I did, for every reason I could see to worry, I could also see every reason to hope. For every problem, there seemed to be a solution. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a weird week and it’s only Monday, I still catch myself being terrified of the precarious way my life seems to be dangling over the edge, but somehow, I have the utmost peace that it will work out. Perhaps not today, or tomorrow, or in a month, but it will; it always does. On Saturday, in the midst of all the anxieties, I had the best run I’ve ever had in my life, and it was nine and a half miles. My heart rate stayed below 155BPM over half the time, and for those who don’t get it; that’s insane for me. In the big upsets of life, when things get us down, there is always a bright side. In the commonplace things of life, even my own steady heart beat, the Deity of Christ can be realized and trusted, if we’re willing to open our eyes and see it.
Yours Truly,
the Brightside Blonde