I know, after a months long hiatus, what a gut-punch title. What an awful break to the silence. But ultimately, that’s life; it’s full of gut-punches and silence and terrible admissions about terrible thoughts. The truth is, I’ve always questioned this, even as a young child I have vivid memories of wondering if I deserve to be loved. It seems I have my good times and bad times with this thought, but in the last few months, it was a massive tidal wave of bad, and a scramble to recover myself amid the leftover flooding. To put it in short: I wanted to end my life, I almost did, I got help, and I’m currently on a small dose of an amazing antidepressant. As someone who was raised to never take medication, even ibuprofen, I have always been incredibly hesitant of any drugs, but I am so thankful for the push from friends and a great doctor to get help. Things started going great, then, they got really bad again.
Yesterday, I experienced the worst cramping I’ve ever had in my life. I almost passed about because I was in so much pain, I even called out of work, something I almost never do. My partner, Jack, came to my rescue, forcing me to lay on the couch while he cleaned my house, prepared dinner, and washed all the dishes afterwards. Sitting on the couch, I felt helpless, I felt like I was taking advantage of him, and my guilt over letting him help me took away any enjoyment I could’ve had in the gift he was giving me. I mean, he was marinating and cutting chicken for me, I’ve never had a man do that. But, as I watched him spend an hour carefully preparing a meal for me, I thought of all the times I’ve prepared meals for the people I love. Cooking is something that relaxes me, I love being able to give someone I care about a wonderful meal made with love, even if it may not be the tastiest. In all the cooking I’ve done, I have never once felt about someone the way that I was afraid Jack might feel about me. In reality, he didn’t feel like I was using him, he wanted to care for me. In my head, I just couldn’t accept the fact that someone would do all of this for me, would cook for me and clean for me, just because they loved me. The thought of being loved for simply being who I am is incomprehensible to me. As I sat on that couch, watching him cook, I asked myself, why is it I feel that way? The answers that came, when I delved deep inside, were brutal.
Three years ago, I made my husband his favorite meal. We sat on the couch together, and as we waited for the food to cool, something I said set him off. In a flash, the bowl of food went from the couch to the wall, shattering, and sending rice flying everywhere. He eventually came back downstairs to me, and I gave him my bowl instead, I didn’t eat that night. He never made my dinner, and in the two years we were married, he only washed our dishes twice; he almost never told me thank you. His favorite thing to say to me was that I, at my core, was incapable of loving someone, and that I was unlovable. I think I could handle anyone else telling me that, or treating me that way, but when it came from my husband, I took it as gospel. He said it to me, and I believed him, because how could he ever be wrong? I’ve been away from him for two years, and all the words he said, along with all the words he didn’t, still repeat in my head when I do anything that is slightly less than perfection. I think that’s why I struggle with accepting the fact that someone could want to love me, or accept me, for just being Molly.
Jack is the only man who has ever shown me such unconditional and unwavering love. Amidst everything, all my flaws, he loves me, simply because I am me. When I cook him dinner, he washes the dishes. Not because he has to, but because he wants to. Someone asked Jack recently, why he would be with me, when I have made so many mistakes. They said that he is worth more than being with me; he deserves better. When I hear someone voice the thoughts that haunt me, when I’m reminded of all the mistakes I’ve made due to my pain, it does cause me to question if I’m worthy of love. Because, if I was unworthy of love when I did everything right for my husband, and if I am unworthy of love now because of the mistakes I’ve made, what hope is there that I can ever receive love? It’s thoughts like this that can easily send me on a spiral. Thankfully, Jack isn’t my ex, and he isn’t like anyone I’ve ever met before. Jack tells me that the mistakes of my past do not quantify my worth, that the things I’ve done that I can’t take back, don’t have a say in what I do and don’t deserve. Instead, it’s posture of my heart and view on those mistakes, how I choose to move forward, that make me who I am now.
Sometimes, I feel buried in my grief. I feel surrounded and smothered by the things about myself I cannot change, the parts of my past that damaged me, whether I chose them or didn’t. The weight of these things presses against me until I feel paralyzed, until I can’t breathe, until the only way I can see to escape the pain and the shame is to end it. But then, there’s absolutely wonderful thing called grace. When I was sixteen, I spent a summer memorizing and teaching a Bible verse, and in the past week, it has hit home. “For by grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is a gift from God; not of works, lest any man should boast,” Ephesians 2:8-9. In my despairing thoughts about earning love and being worthy of it, I was reminded that we don’t have to do anything to receive love from God. The Creator of the universe loves us, just as we are. If the hands Who hold the world, love me for being me, why should I question if I am worthy of love?
The bright side is, there’s nothing I can do to be saved, to earn grace, God simply loves because that’s Who He is (1 John 4:8.) If we could earn grace, if God’s affection and love was given through merits, no one could enter heaven; no one would be good enough. As I was so brutally reminded today, we are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), and that fact alone makes us valuable and worthy of love; no matter what mistakes we’ve made or what anyone else may say. This isn’t an excuse to go do whatever we want, or live however we please, but it is a truth we can hold close in our hearts when days are full of light or darkness. I’m thankful for a partner who is taking the steps to show and teach me unconditional love, but greater than that, I am thankful for the Truth that shapes my life and who I am, that stands firm when worlds change. I am thankful that even when the tidal wave of life and shame come crashing against me, His truth is a shield stronger than the mightiest wave.
Yours Truly,
the Brightside Blonde
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