Flowers

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Nothing makes me feel more at home than when I driving on the Tasmanian back roads, listening to country music. Yesterday, I drove myself to Leven Canyon, a four hour total trip, with most of the drive being in the country. There were times where I could almost convince myself that I was driving the country roads at home, the ones I know better than the back of my hand, but I couldn’t believe the lie. The beauty of mountains in the distance, the oddness of the road lines, and the eerie sense of knowing I’m on a different continent kept me grounded. Still, I loved the little taste of home. When I looked out at the canyon, I told myself that I could scour the whole earth, but I would probably never be in a place as beautiful as Tasmania. I felt the wind blowing my hair and heard the rush of the river below, and I felt an overwhelming urge to never leave this place. Last week, I was convincing myself not to buy a plane ticket home, this week, I’m convincing myself not to quit my job in Canberra and stay.

I’d say that writing about loneliness and being determined to change my mindset about all this has helped, it’s been the greatest change. I believe that everything happens for a reason, that God orchestrates us to be in certain places at certain times for different reasons; I don’t believe in chance. Even my coming to Australia in the first place, how I met Kane at a dinner table in the middle of the Caribbean, I couldn’t have seen then how that meeting would spark a change in me. But let’s be honest, it wasn’t just a mindset change or sheer determination that has made this past week better, it’s also the people. In the hours of contemplation I had yesterday, I listened to the song ‘Sun to Me’ too many times to count, and I continually found myself hooked on the line, “Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest parts of you.” It made me ask myself, “Who grows flowers in me?” Who, by their presence in my life, is a beacon that lights up my darkness? Though this song is written as a love song for a couple, I don’t see it that way. When I hear this song, and when I reach that line, all I can think of are the friends who have invested in me, believed in me, and never given up on me.

At the start of the summer, I began watching the infamous series Sex and the City. What I found so wonderful about the show is how accurately it portrayed not only the realities of dating, but female friendships as a whole. Growing up, I wasn’t very good at making friends. I was always told that I was too much; too loud, too weird. I was so afraid of showing who I was to anyone because I was afraid no one wanted to be my friend. Then one day, when I was fifteen, a girl I’d known my entire life asked me to come play volleyball with her. Honestly, I didn’t think she actually wanted me to go, I couldn’t believe she wanted to be my friend. I was so afraid of ruining things that I hardly spoke to her the entire time. One month later, we were inseparable. Madeline told me later that summer that for years she’d wanted to be my best friend, she was just afraid of asking me to hang out, too. I couldn’t believe it.

Madeline is the definition of someone who has grown flowers in the darkest parts of me. She knows everything about me, the good parts and the ugly, and she loves me for exactly who I am. When I am with her, I can be the truest form of myself. Three weeks before my wedding, I was set up on a Brewskies coffee chat with a girl who’d recently moved to town. We spent six hours in that coffee shop talking, and when we finally said goodbye, she told me that we were going to be best friends. I didn’t believe her then, but three years later, and Emily knows me better than I know myself. These women and I have walked through the darkest and brightest parts of our lives together, we’ve been support systems for each other. Without them I can confidently say that I wouldn’t be where I am, or who I am. But there are so many others who have been there for me. Cassidy believed in me and watched me blossom, Sarah always made sure I had a Coke to drink and made it safely to my car, Heidi always makes me feel seen, and Abby understands things most others couldn’t. There are so many I’m not naming, but each one of them harnesses what I feel when I hear those lyrics and sing that song.

The bright side is that I have these people in my life, in my corner, no matter what. Friendship is mutual, for it to work and be a good one, you both have to pour equal parts of yourself in. This past week has been so good because of the people I have supporting me, talking to me, making sure that I’m okay and spending their time on me. It’s not just the constant support from everyone across the world, it’s the support I’ve gotten from the people here. When I stood overlooking the canyon, I didn’t want to move here just for the beauty of nature, but the beauty in the friendships I’ve found. Beauty in the way that Abby and I can share our deepest thoughts while playing video games, beauty in the way Julie and I sang our hearts out in the car, beauty in the way Kane had lunch prepared while I drove to get bread; beauty in the way all us girls laughed like lunatics outside the Irish. When I take my focus off all I’m missing or don’t have here, and I focus on what is in front of me, I find myself abundantly grateful. In the car Saturday night, I told Julie that I was afraid Kane would think all his friends were doing him a favor by hanging out with me, but Julie said, “We’re not doing him a favor, he did us a favor by bringing someone as amazing as you into our lives.” Just like that, another flower blooms in my over-flowing garden, and I’m too distracted by their beauty to be sad about anything else.

Yours Truly,

the Brightside Blonde

Food the last few days. Sunday BLT’s ala Kane, Banana Bread and a latte at Bread + Butter (with a side of witnessing an attempted theft), and cocktails at The Mudbar.

It’s devastating how a camera can’t capture how beautiful the view was. First photos are from the Edge lookout, then I took the steps alllll the way up to the Cruikshank lookout. I was happy in my own company but really would have loved an aesthetic photo overlooking the canyon.

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