I had therapy last Monday, a fact I don’t think any person should be afraid to admit. Actually, I think it should be normal to say, “Oh, yes, I go to therapy! I have things I need to sort out, and I see a professional for that.” I started seeing her last year after the big break up, when I was a complete mess. Now, we’re down to one session a month, and they always seem to be scheduled at the perfect time. We talked about the menty b I had, we talked about my family, we talked about my move and all my plans. In the hour long discussion we had, she said something that stayed on my mind, something I meditated on all week. She said that it seems my standard for a friendship or a relationship, seems to be reciprocity and consideration. Well, I’d never quite considered it so straightforward, so I just said, “Oh. Yeah, that sounds about right.” We talked about what that meant, what having those standards and measuring my friendships by it would mean. Then, over the weekend, I took a girls trip with one of my oldest and closest friends. It got me thinking more about friendships, how they can last or fade away. It made me wonder how having a standard for my friendships, and holding to it, can shape the outcome of my future.
Even though I’m a writer, I had to Google what the word reciprocity meant. I had a pretty good idea, but I wanted the exact definition. From what I understand, the core of the word means to share something equally, for a mutual benefit. Basically put: I want someone to show the same amount of effort into our friendship that I do, because they want to be friends with me as equally much as I want to be with them. There was a time during our trip where Madeline and I stopped to have a picnic lunch by the side of the trail. We were eating chips, making jokes, and as I always do with her, I showed my extremely-maybe-sometimes-too-insane side. She shook her head. I said to her, “To know me is to love me.” She immediately joked back, “No, to know you is to be trapped.” We laughed, because it was a hilarious comeback, but I would be lying if I said that she voiced an actual fear of mine. I’m quite a different person. I don’t find people that often that I adore with everything inside of me, but when I do, my affection for the person is so strong that I want to share everything in my life wit them. My thoughts, my feelings; I want to sit with them in silence because their company brings me such joy. I can be overwhelming, I get that, and sometimes I’m afraid that the way I can be, so over the top or so silly or so enthralled, can make people feel trapped into friendship with me. A standard for friendship I have isn’t an over the top communicator or someone who wants to spend every waking moment with me, it’s someone who mutually enjoys my company as much as I do theirs, who doesn’t leave me breadcrumbs to gather; its a reciprocal knowing that we appreciate each other, it’s not having to second-guess if I matter.
One time, I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee, and she cancelled on me a minute or so before the time we’d set to meet. Guess what? I had already shown up and was deciding what coffee I wanted. Here’s the crazy thing, this wasn’t the first time it had happened, and it wasn’t the last. Eventually, I stopped trying to make plans. I’m no stranger to traffic making me late or emergencies causing me to cancel last-minute, we’re all human, but within that, it can be evident when you aren’t a priority for someone, when they aren’t considerate of you or your feelings. Another standard for friendship is consideration, mutually. I want to know that I’m thought of, even if it’s just a ‘hey!’ or a follow-up on something that occurred a week earlier. We all crave knowing that we’re thought of and appreciated. I do this thing for a few of my friends, I make a playlist of their name, and every song that makes me think of them, I add. I’ve never shared it with any of them, maybe one day I’ll have the guts to, because deep in my heart, I have a huge desire for someone to make a playlist about me. I think, at this point in my life, someone making a playlist about me is probably the most heartfelt thing they could do. I crave being considered, being reached out to, being thought of without prompting; and I want to equally do that for someone I care about.
So, what does any of this mean? What’s the point in bringing all this up in a blog post? Well, one, because I’ve been meditating on it all week, and I want to flesh out my thoughts, but two, as previously stated, I’m moving. Which means my friendships are all about to become long distance, they’re all going to be put to the test of time, distance, and communication. I’m in three long distance friendships right now, one lives in Tennessee, the other two halfway across the world in Tasmania, but I still manage to communicate with each of them daily. Emily and I lived close to each other for almost two years, before she and her husband moved back home near Nashville. There were the promises of keeping up, of always being there, but at the end of the day, only time and our willingness to commit to what we had would reveal if we were true friends. A year and a half later, I know her better and love her more than I did when she left, which didn’t feel possible at the time. She’s someone that I know I can text anytime, about anything, and she’ll always be there to love without judgement. Emily and I are best friends because our friendship has shared respect and consideration; I never have to question where I stand with her. Madeline and I have known each other since we were two, and have been best friends since we were fifteen. We’ve had difficult times, but we’re closer than ever today because we also have mutual respect and consideration; we know who and what we are to each other, we don’t bread crumb, we don’t have to question our worth in the others’ eyes.
The next few weeks of spending time with friends is going to be full of equally happy and sad times, because they’ll be full of laughter, but also goodbyes. I’m incredibly thankful for the wonderful people in my life, for who they are to me and what they mean. I’m also thankful that I’ve learned what I deserve not only in a future partnership, but in friendships. I deserve to not question if I’m trapping someone, if I’m valued; others don’t deserve that either. I know it will take effort, I know there will be people I’ll let down and places where I’ll learn, but I’m thankful for the opportunity to learn.
Yours Truly,
the Brightside Blonde